There Is No Rum
by Iris and Samara
Summary: Jack ends up in the Lower East Side and meets a certain kickass drag queen... yes, this is a RENT crossover. Rated for language. Beware: Crackfic within.


_A/N: Here is the first story of our account. Yippee. It's in the POTC section because it starts out in Jack's point of view. Anyway, this started out as Angel teaching Jack how to do The Walk, but it twisted into... this incredibly cracky... thing. Enjoy._

Captain Jack Sparrow woke up in what seemed to be some sort of futuristic street. But people were walking on it. And it was on the side of the road... a sidewalk, perhaps? Either way, he tried to remember what had happened to make him fall asleep. The only things that came to mind were Elizabeth and rum... lots and lots of rum.

_Oh, dear God._

It took him a while for his thoughts of Elizabeth and rum to pass, when he realized there weren't any ships around.. or rum. What made it worse was, once again he was without a ship. And worse: Barbosa had _his _ship. He began to look for something- anything- to transport him to somewhere else. _Somewhere with rum, preferably._ He saw a sign. It said, **Subway- To Brooklyn, New York**. He shrugged, and went down the stairs. He tried to enter the machine, which seemed to be a rectangular ship of some sort. "Hey! You have to pay to come on here!" Someone yelled. Jack quickly pulled out his sword.  
"Not if you value your life." He said, "Savvy?" He flounced onto the subway about two seconds before it left. When he got on, he saw four people- one with longish dirty blonde hair that looked like he hated everything, a black person who was pole-dancing, a person who was very, very blonde... and a girl with a black bob haircut. Something attracted Jack to her, not in the sense, but in the "SHE MUST BE MY BFF" sense. Now Jack, he wasn't sure why she had appealed to him.. But, after being stick with a "proper" girl, well thought she was at least, for the last two years.. it was refreshing to see someone, who obviously wasn't that type. Of course Jack wasn't dumb.. crazy, not dumb. He always seemed to make some escape that narrowly escaped a noose, but it was beyond him as to why this place was so different.. He didn't see anyone wearing any normal clothes, he didn't see women wearing corsets so tight they could hardly breathe.. No, he was somewhere else.. Then, Jack noticed a paper somehow stuck to the sides of this odd ship, it had said, "Don't Eat Meat! Come and Protest! June, 17th, 1989." _1989? _How could it possibly be 1989, it was 1753.. right?

The black man stopped pole-dancing long enough to notice that he was there. "We'll open up a restaurant in... what the fuck?" He stared at Jack, which made the captain a bit uncomfortable. "Who are you?" Pole-Dancer asked.

"I am Captain Jack Sparrow." The pirate said, striking a pose. "I have escaped the gallows, fought Davey Jones, and survived the annoyance known as Elizabeth Swann. Now, who are you, may I ask?" The black man blinked. He gave the life-hating one a look that said[iAm I way too drunk, or did a pirate just enter the subway?[/i Life-Hater shrugged. The very blonde one holding a machine of some sort began to point it at him. "I assume that thing does not intend to cause me any harm." He said. Before Blondie could answer, the girl stood up.

"Hi, I'm Angel." She said.

"It's a pleasure." Jack said, and kissed her hand, which was simple manners back where he lived.

"Aw, hell naw!" The black man said. "Not my girl!" He grabbed Angel.

"Er..what? Never mind.. now why does that sign say 1989?" Jack said pointed to the sign.  
"Cause' it's 1989."  
"No. It's not. It's 1753. Eunuch." Jack said aiming it at the black man.  
Now, Angel hadn't really ever been a gigantic fan of Johnny Depp, but he knew who he was.. and this crazy man, happened to look exactly like him. Not to mention be perfectly in character, as well. She stared at him for a while. Could it really be Johnny Depp, trying to confuse random people? She doubted it, as the fangirls would have attacked by now. She decided to play along anyway. "Don't you know, Collins?" She asked. "Kissing a lady's hand," she made a gesture to say, _I am totally a lady_ when she said 'lady', "was a polite gesture back in 1753. Christ, read a book!" The two started to laugh a bit, as they were both aware that Collins (who turned out to be the pole-dancer) was a professor at New York University, and had therefore read many books.  
"Exactly." Jack said, glad that someone had understood what had clearly been misunderstood.

* * *

Soon, the Subway hit a stop, and the doors.. miraculously opened by theirselves. Outside the Subway was a newstand, it sold everything.. even those crappy little Disney Adventures magazines, which happened to have Jack Sparrow on the front. Seeing, Dead Man's Chest was about to make it's debut to theaters. Angel looked at it, seeing Jack had stopped to stare at something... it looked exactly like him. Every thing was correct and in tact. Angel began to wonder if she was in some dream. "Those magazines... is that supposed to be me?" Jack asked, studying them. He turned to the side, the pose that he was in on the cover. "Do I look that pregnant?"  
"Don't worry about it, honey." Angel said. "The camera always makes people look unreasonably fat. I mean, look what happened with Tyra Banks." The other people nodded in agreement.  
"Camera?" Jack asked. _What the bloody hell is a camera?_  
"Recording device." Angel explained. _Yeah, that's me. Rollin' with it._ She thought. _They all try to catch me ridin' history... ew... ridin' history..._

* * *

There were three things Jack was absoulutley sure of: One: She didn't believe him. Two: He was definitely in the future. Third: There was no rum.

* * *

Angel looked at Jack's arm, it had the letter "P" branded in to his skin. Angel cringed at the thought of branding someone.. but then she remembered Jack had the same letter "P" branded into his skin in Pirates of The Caribbean. _This isn't a dream. This is reality._ "Hey, I'm late for Maureen's sound check, I gotta go!" Mark said. He grabbed Roger. "Here, you can help me."

"I'm comin' too." Collins said. "Angel, do you want to help us save a protest?"

"No, I'm good." Angel said. Collins shrugged, and started to follow Roger and Mark. Angel looked at Jack as they walked down the street. "Hey, need some advice?" She asked. Jack shrugged.

"Sure?" Angel smiled.

"If you really want that Elizabeth Swann chick to like you... you gotta show your feminine side." _This will be fun._

"Most likely i'll get slapped anyways. But, I guess.." Jack shrugged.

"You really are from 1753, aren't you?" Angel blurted out, she felt insane. "Because, you know... you have the P, and..."

"Took you that long to notice?" Jack asked. "But seriously. How do I get girls to like me?"

"Ask more. It's fun to see you grovel." Angel said. Jack glaread at her. "Well, we can just start the training now. First of all, you have to have a walk all your own."

"A walk?" Jack asked skeptically.

"Yes, a walk." Angel said. "Now do you want my help or not?"

"I do," Jack paused "But, I might need some rum first. I don't suppose people still drink rum in 1989?"

"Not usually. Besides, you don't need rum. Trust me."

"Yes, I do." Jack said. Now it was Angel's turn to glare.  
"You're an alchoholic." She said. "You need to go to AA. It's where people go to get over their rum problem."  
"Eunuch. I don't have a problem." Jack said.  
"The first step is admitting that you do have one." Angel said sincerely. "There's a center just a few blocks from here. The people there will help you."

"No, what you don't understand is, it's pretty much all you drink in the 1700's. Especially when your on a ship for months at a time, really.."  
"Oh." Angel hadn't thought about that, "Well, here people know how to clean water. So no more rum, but I'm still taking you to the center."

"Bloody hell." Jack muttered. The two made their way to the AA place. As they entered, Jack had a feeling he would have bad memories of this experience for the rest of his life.

"Excuse me, I have a newbie here." Angel said to the receptionist.

"Go to room fourteen." She said monotonously. Angel smiled and flounce away, Jack following her. they entered Room Fourteen.

"I'll stay here and make sure you don't leave." Angel said. "We are going to fix this."

Angel heard Jack mumble something that sounded like, "You smell funny." In a few minutes a nurse came in to get Jack to fill out a form. Jack looked at it, and decided to use the name he usually used, Smith. There was a box for when he was born, Jack couldn't think of what to put in that box so he put the truth, January 21st, 1722.

* * *

The nurse looked at the form and shook her head. "Another delusional one." Angel whispered. She decided that no one would possibly believe that this man was actualy from the 1700s. The nurse said,  
"Oh..." and went away with the form.  
"Now you stand up, and say, 'My name is Jack Smith, and I am an alchoholic.'" Angel said. Jack eyed her suspiciously, but stood up anyway.  
"My name is Jack Smith, and I am an al-co-whore-lick." He said.

"Alcholic, Jack." Angel corrected him.  
"That's what I said. Al-co-whore-lick. Savvy?" The movies hadn't lied, Jack really was very stubborn.  
"You're pronouncing it weird."  
"I know, but I'm Captain Jack Sparrow, and I can do that."

Angel sighed. "Fine."  
"Hello, Jack." the other alchoholics said in a monotone voice. Jack waved slightly. The leader of the group asked,  
"What kind of alchohol addiction do you have, Jack?"  
"None." Jack said. "I don't have a problem."  
"Well, why would you be here if you didn't have a problem?" Jack pointed to Angel.  
"She dragged me here. Eunuch."

"Are you sure about that, Jack?" the leader of the group asked with a smirk, as he noticed Jack was wearing a pirate hat.  
"Yes, I'm sure, and you.. you smell funny."  
"Jack, stop it." Angel glared at him.

"Miss, I'm afraid I must leave." Jack said. He stood up and declared to his fellow alchoholics, "You will always remember the day when you almost caught-" Angel slapped him upside the head. "Ow!"  
"I strongly suggest you stay here." Angel said in a menacing tone, allowing her voice to drop an octave.  
"You sound like a man." Jack teased.

"Shut up." Angel glared at him.  
By then, Angel pretty much walked out with Jack, this wasn't going to help him. He didn't have a problem, he was a fictional Disney character.  
"I don't even know how I got here, and your making me go to something for al-co-whore-licks.."  
"I was trying to help you." Angel said gently.  
"Was I of needing help?"  
'Yes, a lot more then you know." Angel rolled her eyes.

"If I need help, then maybe I should just leave." Jack said. He stared at the ground. _A PMSy pirate?_ Angel wondered. Jack ran away, still wielding his sword.

"Son of a bitch!" Angel screamed. Since she was wearing heels, she couldn't run that fast. Soon, Jack was out of her sight. "Shit." She said to herself. "Shit shit fuckity fuck."


End file.
